My symptoms are becoming apparent

While all this is happening, I’m noticing other changes.  I’m washing my hands more, and using sanitizer more.  And yeah, okay, new parent, obsessed (healthily) with cleanliness around my newborn.  Then other things started creeping in.  I’m becoming scared to go to work and touch everything at work, and having all that “stuff” transfer to and hurt Blue Eyes when I get home.  So I stop immediately taking my son when I get home.  The first time was the worst.  I actually cringed and pulled away when my husband offered our son to me.  My husband was rightly worried about Blue Eyes, and how seeing his mommy pull away from him might affect him.  He managed to convince me that it was okay for me to kiss him on the cheek before changing, since our son missed me all day.  He’d had enough time with Daddy, he wanted Mommy.  This ritual progressed, becoming more complex and time-consuming.  At first, I came home, slipped off my shoes and left them in their spot by the door to the spare room (where I wouldn’t touch them again until the next morning) and dropped off my (eventually new and only for work) bag on a chest that I would not touch again until the following morning when I had to work again.  I’d tiptoe (so my pants didn’t touch the floor) to the bedroom, where I’d carefully strip off everything but my bra and panties.  I’d grab baby wipes and wipe myself down (mostly my arms and hands, face, neck, and any collarbone area that had been “exposed.”  I’d also wipe off my hair, and wash my glasses (sometimes twice).  Then, I could get dressed in my jeans and shirt and hold my son.  Sometimes he’s be in my husband’s arms or the playpen next to our bed in our bedroom.  Later on, after a conversation with some friends (also a clue, very susceptible to suggestion and incorporating those rituals into my routine); my ritual became more complex.  No longer could I simply strip, wipe, dress and I was good to go.  No, now I had to strip and shower, cleaning my glasses, and after that I could dress and handle my son.

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~ by phaerygurl on June 1, 2014.

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