Through the Lens of Postpartum Depression: Mother’s Day

This past Sunday marked my 4^th (or 5^th is you count the one when I was pregnant) Mother’s Day.  In general they’ve been good days; that usually start off with my wee little postman delivering notes or appreciation my way.  However, a PPD blog I subscribe to asked the question of simply, how was your Mother’s Day.  Obviously it’s a sensitive topic for any PPD survivors as well as those still struggling.

This Mother’s Day for me was quite nice, lots of happiness and laughter, courtesy of said munchkin.  But my first Mother’s Day (after my son was born) was VASTLY different.  I had been going to therapy and on medication for several months prior.  We had also moved back to Long Island from Florida approximately one and a half months prior.  Let’s just say big changes, positive or negative, can wreak havoc on the sensitive brain chemistry and mental state of a mother suffering/struggling with PPD.  So even though the move was a positive change, and despite our difficulties since, I don’t regret the decision; the fallout from said big change was an initial period of bad mental state for me.  I regressed a little bit, despite my medication being increased shortly before we left.

So the weather was being wonky, and Mother’s Day dawned a little chilly.  My hubby let me sleep in a little and took care of the baby.  He came back upstairs and put on his thermal hoodie.  Innocent enough, HOWEVER, where the hoodie had been prior to my husband’s shoulders was very decidedly NOT okay.  One of my big triggers.  Now it was fine (though it’s since been laundered and I’m fine with him wearing it); he wore it and held my son.  But I was silently freaking out BIG time.  Hubby came up and tried to give me the baby, while he’s still wearing the hoodie.  I cringe and draw back into myself more, which upset my son, for a very basic reason.  Why doesn’t Mommy want me?

So I finally get out of bed at around 10:00 in the morning.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, but it was not the best day.  It was that day or around that time that hubby and I had huge fight and began marriage counseling.  I really do think it saved us.  Not that we didn’t love each other, but we needed a third party to help us find our back back/forward to the point we’re at now; which is better.

So for all you moms out there that are still struggling with PPD or some variation, know that you are not alone.  Yes, according to the calendar this is your day, but life and the universe could come along to kick you in the teeth.  Stay strong, get help and surround yourself with family and friends that support you.  You are stronger than PPD.  Numerous moms have survived, so will you.

And for my child and all those other children, young and old, of PPD moms, I say this from my heart: I do not, nor have I ever hated you.  I do not regret having you and I would not go back in time to change anything that brought you to me.  The Universe saw the need for me to go through this trial, and it is NOT your fault, nor is it mine.  Regardless of the turmoil racing through my brain, I have always loved you.  I pray you will never know the feeling of being neglected or unloved by me.  Please know that you are ALWAYS loved, and I would not trade the gift that is you for anything.

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~ by phaerygurl on May 15, 2013.